Directionally Challenged.

CHAPTER 1: Running Nowhere

I seek challenges so diligently that I avoid them completely.

What do I mean by that?

Maybe you’re like me and whenever you do something you do it completely. No restrictions. No holdbacks. Completely.

So much so that before engaging in any venture or task I always try to talk myself out of it knowing where it’s gonna go. Knowing how much I’m gonna require of myself, I am afraid of my own drive.

In doing so I miss out on growth. I miss out on experience. I miss out on living life abundantly.

Let me give you an example: • • • I started running in September 2019. My wife was living in a different state every month for a half year due to her medical school audition rotations.

I was fortunate enough to tag along throughout that journey and support her/ adventure for myself during those months.

We were in Des Moines and I was eager to explore the city.

We had one car, so I was dropping her off at the hospital at 4:45 every morning (surgeons, right?). I was already up and the city was asleep, so I figured there was no better time to uninterruptedly traverse this uncharted territory.

I reasoned that since we were poor as poor could be, driving would cost too much. I then decided I would see more of the city if I ran than if I walked. Plus, it would help me burn off some of the cheap, unhealthy food we had to eat.

It was so much fun! New sights. New experiences. All day to waste.

Run One: 1.8 miles

Run Two: 3.29 miles Run Three: 1 mile (fast-paced) Run Four: 3.86 miles Run Five: 6.91 miles Run Six: 13.13 miles

Yes, on my 6th day running over a 16-day period, I ran my first half marathon.

You may think, “wow, good for you! With almost a year under your belt I bet you can run 100 miles by now!”

Nope.

As fun as it was to explore that city and to see my improvement, I didn’t run in Des Moines the rest of the month I was there.

I ran once the next month while in Toledo (2.88 miles).

Twice the following month in Fort Worth (0.93 & 1.71 miles).

Three times the month after that while living in Arkansas (2.79, 4.59, & 5.23 miles).

And nine times over the next 6 months in Kentucky (only running two times in one week twice, and never eclipsing 5.21 miles). • • • What in the world happened, right?

Once I realized I could complete a half marathon, I had convinced myself that anything less was child’s play.

Though I was completely fatigued at the end of that feat, I truly believed a half marathon was my new baseline. Any run after that would only suffice if I pushed myself to those limits once again.

Mind you, 90% of my enjoyment in running comes from the sense of accomplishment it brings.

So what now? Do I have to run a half marathon, minimum, every day for the rest of my life?

Then what? Once I hit 14 miles that will become my new baseline... Then 20 miles... Then 30... Then 50...

When will it end?

At that moment, I found myself stuck in a guilt trap.

Running anything less would be disappointing, And trying to exhaust myself every run would be miserable.

I had officially ruined running for myself.

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CHAPTER 2: The Way Back

Trying to find my way back has been a struggle.

As mentioned above, I have gotten back out there a few times. Since moving to Michigan I have been more intentional in not worrying about mileage or pace, but in celebrating the blessing it is to have the ability to run.

I fight hard to be content in every run, intentionally praying after each outing. I don't want to be ungrateful and I desire the excitement and sense of adventure I had last September.

God has brought me a long way.

This doesn't only apply to running, though. I act very similarly in most things: Cleaning the house. Writing. Podcasting. Reading a book (I sometimes read lines 3 and 4 times over to make sure I mentally emphasize each word correctly to get every ounce of truth out of it), Even creating this post!

I have re-worded and re-formatted this post so many times that if you're reading this for the second time it's likely you'll find some subtle differences from the first time you read it.

I am in no position to be a road map directing people to the finish line of contentment, but I can be a road sign informing others to detour. To change roads.

I even believe I am able to point people to the intersection where I went astray so they can choose a different route.

I understand that true peace and contentment is found in Jesus Christ.

The moment I began to find my value and pride myself in my accomplishments instead of in Jesus — who loved me and gave Himself up for me — was the moment I began running down the dark, maniacal path of the restless pursuit of success.

I know the remedy to this sickness is believing what my Creator thinks of me:

I am broken, But He values me.

I am detestable, But He pursues me.

I am hurtful, But He loves me.

I deserve death, But He died for me.

When I remember these truths I no longer feel the need to elevate my accomplishments. My worth is no longer found in my doing, but in His.

The struggle now is remembering.

Remembering how arrogant I am. Remembering how much of a praise-seeker I am. Remembering where those paths lead me.

Remembering who God says I am. And remembering why that’s important.

"I am in no position to be a road map directing people to the finish line of contentment, but I can be a road sign informing others to detour."

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CHAPTER 3: Remembering My Route

“The person who lacks these things is blind and shortsighted and has forgotten the cleansing from his past sins.” - 2 Peter 1:9

“Or do you despise the riches of His kindness, restraint, and patience, not recognizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” - Romans 2:4

May I never again forget the death my Father brought me out of.

May I always remember the length, width, height, and depth of His kindness.

May I bury my pride and restless striving in order to be thankful and content in patiently striding toward the calling of Christ.

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APPLICATION: Where Are You Headed?

Maybe you need to stop for a moment.

Maybe you need to pause your ruthless rushing in restlessness and delve into a life of delight.

See the beauty. Feel the moment. Love the journey.

"Search me, God, and know my heart; Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." - Psalm 139:23-24